I was so hyped yesterday to write all about a sermon I’d watched titled – Relationship Goals – but I got home really late and just passed out but that aside, something has been going on:
For almost two weeks now, Holy Spirit has been nudging me that I no longer spend time in prayer like I used to. He would point to me that talking to people about Him, praying with others, reading Christian books and going to church could never make up for time set aside for just Him and studying of my Bible. Yes, I haven’t studied my Bible in two weeks (I only read the chapter we are to discuss on the whatsapp group daily), I’d been skipping my quiet time too and I only spoke to Abba one on one when I wanted to cry or complain about something and once He’d given me what I wanted, I bounced away from Him. So obviously, the tangible presence of God that I carry and used to feel all around me started to fade. See Holy Spirit is such a gentleman and He’ll never invade me or force me to do anything so if He tries telling me something over and over again and I ignore Him, He’ll simply take several steps back. Or worse, leave. See, doing things for God is so tricky sometimes because we can get so caught up in tweeting about God and blogging about Him and talking to people about Him that we think it means we’re in a good place with Him. No. What’s even worse is that comfortable place we sink into when we think we “know God” and so we don’t chase after Him with the same urgency that we used to. This was what was happening to me. I allowed the enemy steal my hunger and mine was so bad because even though Holy Spirit was warning me over and over again, I deliberately chose to ignore Him because I was lazy and I honestly didn’t feel like putting in the effort to spark my relationship with God again.
Until this afternoon when I had a dream.
Now, I know I’ve been gifted with dreams so I don’t take them lightly and I know when God speaks to me in them. There’s another side to my gift of dreaming: when I dream of myself or people, I see them as they really are in the spirit. So this is how I know when my friends and family are in a weak place spiritually because in my dreams they would cower in fear and be weak. It’s hard to really explain but I always know. So this afternoon, I was tired of Holy Spirit disturbing me to do something about my lukewarm relationship with Him so I grudgingly opened my Bible to the book of Exodus and started to read and because I wasn’t actually reading to learn and was so uninterested, I fell asleep as I was reading. Then I had a dream. I saw myself in a school hostel setting with about 30 girls in a room (it was very large and spacious) & it was night time so we were all climbing into bed and as I was going to fall asleep, I looked at the girl lying on the bed opposite mine and (because I can see into the spirit in my dreams) I saw she had 4 demons inside her. This wasn’t my first time seeing or battling demons in my dream so I was calm. I put my head down and began to pray in tongues and the second I started to pray, the girl turned to look at me. Her eyes were in slits like a snake’s and she was so angry I was praying so she tried to pounce on me but I used my palms to push her back and I said to the demons, in the name of Jesus Christ come out of her! The girl staggered back like she’d been hit but the demons didn’t leave her; she continued moving towards me. I repeated my command several times and each time she’ll simply stagger back but the demons wouldn’t leave! I became afraid and confused. What was wrong? Why am I weak? At this point, everyone in the hostel had woken up and they were screaming in fear. The girl had almost gotten to me when someone (I think a security man) grabbed my shoulders from behind and shoved me aside and shot the girl twice in the chest. She fell down and died. Everyone started cheering but I stared numb at the girl as her blood seeped out around her. The people cheering did not understand that they had only killed the girl and not the demons in her. Demons cannot be killed by bullets because they are spirit. They would simply leave her body and possess someone else. I was distraught that I couldn’t save the girl and I couldn’t save her because I was weak. My eyes opened and I woke up suddenly.
The message was clear to me. My heart was throbbing a bit in my chest and I went into the bathroom and took a very cold shower and as I did, I tried not to cry. I was so confused. Me? Being weak in a dream? This is not good. After my bath, I took my prayer journal (that I haven’t touched in days) and my Bible and went to the sitting room and fell on my knees. Where do I start from? What do I say to God? After waiting a while, a Bible verse floated up and settled on my heart – the fire on the altar must be kept burning; it must not go out. Every morning the priest is to add firewood and arrange the burnt offering on the fire and burn the fat of the fellowship offerings on it. The fire must be kept burning on the altar continuously; it must not go out – I looked it up and found it was from Leviticus 6:12-13. I tossed the words around in my head, then wrote it down in prayer journal. Holy Spirit was telling me that I must be intentional every single day. I must always remain hungry and desperate for God. I opened my mouth and said, God I’m sorry. I’m really so sorry. How did I let myself be deceived that knowledge about you equalled an excellent relationship with you? I was so far away and I didn’t even know it! Please help me. I’m asking you to please help me. Set my heart on fire for you again. And after I said this, the weight on my heart lifted and I started to worship. I sang and prayed and I realized that I’ve actually missed this! What made me think it was too stressful to remain in God’s presence??? I need Him to sustain me!
I took my pen and wrote in my prayer journal, LORD may I never loose my wonder for you. Like a child, may I always stand wide-eyed in awe of the beauty that is you.